Audrey
A Trisomy 18 and HLHS Angel
Our journey began in 2019 when my husband and I became pregnant with our first child. We were overjoyed and so ecstatic to start our story as parents! Soon into my pregnancy, around 12 weeks, I was ordered a blood test to receive early detection of the gender of our baby. The NIPT Test. As many do, we opted to have the blood work done, but I was unaware of what was being looked at and tested for in that simple blood draw.
About a week later, on Monday, I got a phone call from my OB’s office, and the nurse asked me to schedule an appointment with her. I had a busy work schedule that week, and it wouldn’t be until Friday that I could get into the office to see her. She called me the next day, Tuesday, at work. My life was forever changed in that moment.
My OB began to tell me that she was “fairly certain” that our baby would have a rare condition called Trisomy 18 that occurs in 1 in 5000 births. The bloodwork showed only a 12% chance that she would have an extra copy of the 18th chromosome in every cell of her body. This extra copy occurs when sperm and egg meet. It cannot be caused or prevented, proving the absolute miracle of pregnancy and childbearing. My doctor rattled out many ailments that our baby could have, from heart defects, deformities, and other organ challenges if the baby were to live. On that phone call and all consecutive appointments with her until it was no longer a legal option, I was strongly encouraged to terminate my pregnancy immediately and just “try again” given the “terminal diagnosis.” I chose to carry our sweet Audrey Kathleen despite what was advised. Pregnancy and my journey to motherhood were not easy, beautiful, or what I had ever dreamt of. I endured multiple tests for both our well-being that brought many tears and, other times, joy. The Lord carried me through each of them. Because of Audrey’s pregnancy, I was diagnosed with 2 rare blood disorders, ultimately saving my life. After a particularly grueling day of procedures, my husband and I chose her name, Audrey, which was specially selected to describe her - noble strength. Kathleen – pure. As we learned who she was and her personality, we found her name more fitting than we could have ever known.
I later went to be treated by a specialist throughout the remainder of my pregnancy in an office that supported my choice to love Audrey, where I was given sonograms every visit; moments I cherish now as time we were able to see our precious girl grow. Moments that would have been lost had she not still been with us. I watched as the Lord healed cysts in her brain, and ailments were continually crossed off the list that Audrey did not have. Our family celebrated every ounce that Audrey gained. We sat back in awe as people from Texas to Italy knew about and lovingly prayed for our family, as men walked in the March for Life in Washington with Audrey’s name carried proudly, and as the Lord brought many closer to Himself through her life, including me.
I prepared myself to be a special needs mother. I wanted to be her mother, in sickness or health. I loved her then as I do now. The Lord prepared my heart for what was to come and reminded me of His mother, Mary. She came to this road of motherhood in a manner other than how she planned, loved her baby, and wanted the best for Him, even if that meant returning her own son back to the Father. One of the greatest gifts I have ever received, I had to return to the giver far too quickly.
I delivered Audrey on March 7, 2020. 34.5 weeks, 3 pounds 1.9 ounces, 15 inches long. She lived 3 minutes, and I held her as she gently passed. The room was silent until the on-call delivering OB prayed for our family as we wept over her. Her only diagnosis, half of a heart, could not keep up with what her body needed. She was perfect and beautiful from head to toe. I miss her daily. Some days, I feel the weight of her absence more than others. There was depression, anxiety, and wishes of death upon myself because of her loss. The Lord walked faithfully with me through to bring me here. There are still dark days, but God is good to uphold me through the challenging times. The tears the Lord has wiped are many. Because of Jesus, I can take comfort in knowing that she has been fully healed and is with her maker and that I will be able to see her again one day. Her heart is whole now as Jesus continues to repair my broken one.
The Lord and His favor were written throughout Audrey’s life and continue to be present in my life and our family. A diagnosis deemed to harm us brought us life. Three; the number of copies of the 18th chromosome found in every cell of her body, the month she was born, and the time she lived…yet the same number found in the Holy Trinity. I have genuinely looked at the face of God in Audrey.
Our journey was not easy, but Audrey was worth it. Jesus was worth it. While I carried her, I encountered people who disagreed with my choice to carry a baby labeled with a terminal diagnosis, including family and friends, causing great strife and even deep cracks in relationships. Over the time since I have met and lost Audrey, I have continued to have hard conversations with others who disagree with my choice. To those individuals, I say, please remember to fight so that Jesus can be glorified. The road I walked is not one that I would have picked for myself, but the Lord used this path to draw me to Himself. Many days, I showed up and allowed God to speak when I had no words or strength. He allowed me to boldly live out my faith and cling to Him amidst the storm we endured together. Amidst this journey, I often asked, “Why me, God?”. Today, the question remains the same, but it comes out a bit different to reflect what a blessing it was and is to be used by God. I am forever changed; the mother of 2 children, one above me and one beside me. I face new challenges daily, parenting sisters a lifetime apart, but have found peace and comfort in the Lord that allows the burden to be lightened.
Our family’s love for Audrey continues alongside her sister Enslie. Enslie loves looking at pictures of her big sister and reminds us that Audrey is “only resting,” enjoying her time in heaven but waiting and ready for a grand reuniting.