Tripp, a Stillborn Angel

I was pregnant with Tripp for 39 weeks, and those 39 weeks were full of love for him. I had a very uneventful pregnancy. There were no problems other than the usual morning sickness, swollen ankles at the end, etc. My favorite memory when I was pregnant with Tripp was when my husband and I went on a vacation to San Francisco about six months pregnant. We decided to get a massage. During my prenatal massage, I was lying on my side, and Tripp was following the massage therapist's hands around my belly. He could tell his mama was relaxed, and he was also, but you could tell he was definitely curious about what was going on. He kept pressing his hands and feet on my belly back to the therapist. It is hard to describe, but it was such a cool feeling! It was really sweet. The therapist said she had never had that happen before.

The day Tripp was born asleep went like any other routine delivery day. I woke up to myself going into labor, and eventually, my water broke so we headed into the hospital. All very routine. Once I got into the hospital, I got changed and laid down in the hospital bed, and it was time to hook me up to the monitors. The nurse could not find his heartbeat. You can imagine my shock and confusion as he was just in there moving around the night before when I went to bed. Ultrasound came in with my OB, and it was confirmed that Tripp was no longer alive, but we didn't know why at that point. At least, they probably did, but I was in a complete state of shock that I couldn't comprehend anything happening at that point. I was rushed back to the OR due to medical reasons, and Tripp was born asleep at 12:19 PM on January 6th, 2016.

He was absolutely beautiful. Tripp had a head full of dark black/brown hair and looked just like his brother. He weighed 6 lbs and 7.5 ozs. He was ready for this Earth. But now, seven years later, as hard as it is not to have him, I know God had other plans for him. We got to spend 5 hours with Tripp after he was born asleep. We got to clean him up, weigh him, and put a baby diaper on him with his hospital outfit. We got to hold him, kiss him a million times, take pictures of him, and spend time with him. I wish I could have had more time with him. But hindsight is always 20/20. The hardest thing I had to do was hand my new sweet baby boy over to the funeral home.

I was the only person that got to know Tripp, unfortunately. He was alive for nine months inside of me. I loved him, nurtured him, and grew him with love. I love and miss him so much it truly hurts my heart. A piece of my heart is gone and will never be put back. But looking back now, seven years later, he had a purpose. He changed my life completely and set me on a new path. I get to help other stillborn mamas who need somebody to talk to and help them get through what is probably one of the most difficult and confusing times of their lives. As sad as it is not to have him running around our house, I know his short life had meaning. I am comforted by this. I know he's OK in heaven—more than OK. I know I will get to see him again one day.

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